IS IT ALL RELATIVE ?

What makes a traumatic situation real and not somehow sensationalized or exaggerated ?

What constitutes real trauma ?

Is it all relative ?

Is it a coincidence that TRAUMA & DRAMA sound the same?

I always want to kick people who say that they don't want any "drama"....

What does that even mean?

Life, lets face it. is, in and of itself, DRAMA...

I mean-

To me, drama is, after all-

-Falling madly in love

-Having mind-blowing sex

-Raving about the most delicious thing youve ever tasted in your life

-Screaming at the top of your lungs when on some crazy, scary ride at a carnival

All of the above- DRAMA, yes?

I "think" that what all of those masters of the English language mean is that they don't want "MELODRAMA", which is an entirely different set of overly sensationalized occurrences...

Just thinkin' out loud...

Dont mind me....

-

Prince Charming - Is that a THING ?

 Whenever something, (or SOMEONE), seems "too good to be true"....

Guess what?

They ARE.... GO WITH YOUR GUT....

Ill cop to the fact very honestly that I am NOT an "angel" when it comes to male-female relationships.... 

Having said that, I am VERY DIRECT and "pretty freakin' honest".... (most of the time)

So...

When RED FLAGS start to permeate the territory, so much so that the ENTIRE MOUNTAINTOP seems suddenly coated in RED....

uhhhhh....      

RUN !!!

That's my great profundity on this glorious day....

Here's a Story for you....

Today was a hectic day for me....lots of places to be at one time....

Amid all the activity, I have been really searching these past several days for an

answer on an issue of some importance to me...

And I needed some Divine Guidance....

So I looked up at the sky today, and I said, 

"Ribbono Shel Olam, (Master of the Universe),

 PLEASE give me a sign that you're with me...Just any sign at all...."

I get in the car and drive home....

I had bought a new battery for my clock that stopped, and for WEEKS I just kept

forgetting to get buy batteries...

So I go into the bedroom, put the battery in, and I was just about to set the time...

The clock was EXACTLY on the ACTUAL CURRENT TIME...(to the minute)....

There are 1440 minutes in a day....

Seems pretty clear to me that I got my sign LOUD & CLEAR....

On Loss....

Loss ....

A word with myriad implications and connotations.... 

An "umbrella", if you will, to lend cover to the torrential currents of 

all things drenched in "lack"....

2020....

My God....

So much pain and heartache....So much death and fear....

So much HATRED....DIVISION....

We are not only divided by the INSANITY of the political arena and

 the unwavering paranoia embedded therein, but we

are LITERALLY divided into singular pods in which to exist....

We order in and watch the news and wear masks and WORRY....

We wait with bated breath for a promised "ELIXIR" to FIX the ALL-

CONSUMING plague upon us....

But here's what.... 

NOTHING will EVER go back to the innocence of before... 

The luxury of "taking EVERYTHING for granted"....

We will forever remember this time as BEFORE the PANDEMIC 

and AFTER the PANDEMIC....

(to be continued....)

Self-Depracation & Complete Misunderstanding...

There's a guy....
a banker...
MY banker...

GREAT GUY...
Hotty….
Hilarious...

We've grown oddly close in the few years since I moved down here....

And we talk about EVERYTHING....

And for a multitude of reasons, I haven't frequented the bank as often as I had been....
Busy...Stressed... Holidays... Exhibitions...Things you wouldn't believe.... blah blah....

And a few days ago, I needed to physically GO to the bank rather than to a random ATM or whatever....
And I felt strangely self-conscious....
As if there were expectations coming my way....from him....or something...

So....being somewhat of a HARDASS, I went to the teller's window rather than to his desk....
And I looked back for a moment.....
And he seemed SHOCKED or UPSET or something....
And I simply waved to him and left....

And if I'm being VERY, VERY HONEST, I had this insane moment of insecurity....
Weird, unreasonable thoughts assailed my brain like,
 "He doesn't think I'm pretty anymore...."
"He doesn't care about me...".....

Understand that these were BASELESS worries which I'd conjured up all on my own...
I'd written my own narrative, so to speak....(Excuse the MUCH over-used phrasing...)

And I was upset about it ....
FOR NO REASON AT ALL....NO REASON...

And today I found that I again HAD to go to the branch....
And I felt SO INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE & INSECURE, almost to the point of desperation not go in....lol
(WEIRD STUFF)...

And this time, he literally jumped up and came running over to me, asking what was wrong and why I was mad at him, and telling me that he'd never seen me look more beautiful....

And I stayed there with him for a few hours actually, and it got me thinking about how
PEOPLE just make up their own stories in their heads...
and we immediately arrive at the "WORST CASE SCENARIO" conclusions...
with literally ZERO EVIDENCE to support our FEARFUL, INSECURE little melodramas

....

Yeah...so...

Two Years....

It had been two years in this place....
in Florida...
in Fort Lauderdale...
Two years EXACTLY today...

What had it meant? 
What had occurred?

The Art.... SUBLIME...Exponential Growth....
Exhibitions...Museums...Followers...Awards....Recognition...
She had found, almost immediately, that the air here was filled with CREATIVE JUICES.... Easily accessible….
Wonderfully Drinkable....

The HOLOCAUST.... The HOMELESS.... Slavery...
Oppressed Peoples...
Palm Trees...Nostalgia....

She'd created a "LEGACY".... undeniably....

The Town....
Well...
She'd met the "important ones"... 
Some would say that she'd "positioned" herself well...
In truth, if they'd known her at all, they'd know very well that she simply organically gravitated to her "own"... always had...
Not a PLAN.....Just an OCCURENCE really....

Her son had grown and left the "proverbial nest"....
(as it should be....)
That's the thing about NESTS....
They are, by their very nature, "temporary"...
They can blow away EASILY in the slightest storm....
All the "CHICS" falling where they may....

Men.... Yes, of course... always....
All those marriages...relationships....encounters...
Did they , in fact, make HER a Commitment-phobe ?
Still....She believed DESPERATELY & PROFOUNDLY in
"LOVE"...
Love perpetually being "THE THING"...

Friends... YES.... Good ones....solid...
She had very literally weeded out the "bad seeds"...
Maturing finally.... (But still FUN as HELL!)…

And the Meaning of Life....
Yes...
Found....

On Contrition...

They seem to be "allergic", somehow, to REGRET, REMORSE, CONTRITION....
Modern-day SOCIOPATHS...
Or so it would appear...
And so...
They fly off, as bats in the night...
Invisible... Inarticulate... Insignificant really...
Interestingly, they "FEEL" LESS than insignificant....
They FEEL "IRRELEVANT"...
Because, in point of fact, they ARE...

They have been HARNESSED by those silly, striped FLOATIES...
ALL THEIR LIVES...Glued to their SPINELESS ARMS....
HEAVY under their GAUDY, UN-EARNED WATCHES....
Afloat....but unable to SWIM...
As worms...

"How can a SOCIOPATH "FEEL" ??", you ask ?
They have a kind of REFLEX REACTION to the danger of being overtaken by
their ALL-CONSUMING IRRELEVANCE...

Hell hath no fury...
WORD

The KNIFE of the LIAR...

The knife of the LIAR has a SHARP, SERRATED, cutting edge....
It can SLICE through the skin in one fell swoop...
Slice through the story...the nuance...
The DEVIL'S BLADE....
Ready to plunge into the unknowing chest cavity of its victim...
And the veritable BUCKETS filled with BLOOD and SINEW and BULLSHIT...
Well...
Indescribable in their sheer VOLUME & RED-ness...
Overflowing fountains of human particles....

And yet...
The LIAR is oddly without STEALTH...
More as a bull in a delicate room filled with LIMOGE CHINA....teetering on the WAINSCOTING of old...
CLUMSY...
UNDOCUMENTED...
Even...I dare say..... LAUGHABLE....

Nonetheless, the LIAR moves forward with no ability to regret or even to re-FIGURE...

Eventually, by the Grace of God, He simply runs out of his repulsive STEAM....

And so it goes....

2018...Yup...

As with everything before, as we draw near to the close of 2018, a look-back appears to be in order....
What a time in the world.....
So much unrest...
So much division...
Starving people...
Starving nations....
The FLU...
E-COLI...
Romaine lettuce ??? Whaaat ???
Relationships flitting by as if they were pureEPHEMERAL energy....paper thin....
Fleeting moments...
Expended energies...
Energy Vampires...
Sucking the life outta you....
Kids with ISSUES.... REAL ISSUES....
Adults with MIND BOGGLING IMPEDIMENTS....
knocking randomly at your door...
as if they were BIBLE SALESMEN....
Preachy...
Armchair quarterbacks EVERYWHERE...
All Indian Chiefs...… NO BRAVES....
Sunshine on the regular...
No seasons to speak of....
Ecclesiastes would've been MISERABLE in Florida....just sayin'...
The "season" thing....
And yet....
ORDER is within reach somehow....
within the bandwidth and guise of DIS-ORDER....
higher realms suggested....
REACHED...
Social Justice...…….UN-REACHED.....
So...
We move relentlessly forward as our forefathers....
with our veritable packs of INJUSTICE glued to our shoulders..
And we hear RIFFS of that GREAT FREAKING MUSIC of 2018 somewhere in the distance.....
And so it goes....
2019...
WOW....

On Las Olas....

There they sat......
in the lovely restaurant....
the woman and her good friend.... for hours.....
celebrating her month-long birthday.....as all good "Leos" did....
It came naturally....expecting them to fuss over her....
She deserved it.... She pre-scheduled it.... She demanded it...
All that adulation...
All that cake....
They laughed ....
They negotiated in only that way that strong, smart women do....
Intellectual jousting.... with a slightly ironic spar & DEEP conjecture...
It was fun....
And then.....just like that......she broke down....sobbing....
And her friend listened and watched and looked her dead in the eye....
And she realized, with more than a modicum of incredulity,
that she was seeing the face of compassion....
perhaps for the first time in her life....
The eyes of her friend were SO INCREDIBLY CARING.....that it actually threw her....
WHY was a caring friend such a shock to her system ???
She would need to ponder....
Let's face it....She would need to PAINT....

Considering the Birthday...

Exactly one year had passed since the big move down south....
She had, in many regards, settled in....
Not 100%....  Perhaps NEVER would she arrive at a 100% comfort level anywhere....
(Portland maybe?)
Tahiti ?
Who knew....
In any regard, tomorrow was her birthday....
Not a major one.... But somehow, indeed, FINALLY, she felt like a grownup....
(For at least the moment...)
The career had BLOWN UP.... in AMAZING & UNEXPECTED ways....
ALL those years of work had culminated in more than a modicum of "Name Recognition"...
This, in and of itself, was an achievement worthy of at least a nod of approval in the ever present mirror of her meanderings...
Brendan had become a self-reliant, grown man....
Certainly the very thing that parents hope and pray for, but somehow CRUSHING nonetheless for the mom left with noone to hide behind...
There was a bond there... unbreakable... as it should be....
She had had her share of flings & rendezvous....
She'd had some real fun as well...
SOUTHERN FUN....
PARTIES GALORE...
Not as serious.... Not TAKEN as seriously....
There were IGUANAS... ewwwwwww
With big GOITER things hanging from the reptilian throats... DAMN.. the tropics....
There was a pool of the most PRONOUNCED, JCPENNEY BLUE.... HER POOL ...
She chuckled as she recalled the CHIC, DARK pools of the Hamptons....
She'd always scoffed at the pretentiousness of attempting to make a large, PURELY MAN-MADE, luxury item into a kind of "POSING FLUKE OF NATURE".... lol   Silly & Superficial ...
She'd made friends... lost friends....renewed friendships....been surprised & delighted at how cared for she was... after all...
And so....
She looked upward....
And with a tear in her eye, she smiled up at her parents, letting them know that she had, in fact, survived....
that she was made of the same, tough stock that they were....
that she had painted them a legacy...
done them proud....
And she thanked God....right then & there.... for another year under the blue skies of life....

Tragedy meets Irony meets Color....

The woman stood, AGHAST, as she saw, for the FIRST TIME,
the TENTS ...the beautifully colored tents, filled....overflowing with HOMELESS PEOPLE....
in her new town... Fort Lauderdale.... 
just blocks away from her LUXURY APARTMENT.... steps away really....
She felt, in no particular order , very,very SAD.... somewhat GUILTY.... DISGUSTED....
ANGRY... SHOCKED....
And then.... ultimately....
She felt GALVANIZED....
As if there were a REASON for her being in THIS PARTICULAR PLACE at this particular time...
She walked into the AIR CONDITIONED building, her over-filled brain trying to PROCESS what she'd seen.... 
Only then, to be accosted by yet ANOTHER TERRIFYING VISUAL....
Two mothers....clearly "down on their luck".... YELLING feverishly at their TINY children to be careful as they ran and slid up and down the VERY STEEP escalators....dangerously....recklessly...
The woman realized, with sudden incredulity, that these dangerous escalators in the air conditioned building served as their SUMMER PLAYGROUND....
A "shelter" from the tedious & all-encompassing heat outside...
In a fleeting moment, she wondered whether those 4 people, the mothers and their kids, had been even "fortunate" enough to be granted entrance into one of the colored tents outside or if they just had the steamy streets as their beds....
The woman determined, THEN & THERE, that this was NOT ACCEPTABLE....UNTENABLE...
a violation of humanity...
She would PAINT THEM and somehow, she would save them....
Her plan began to take form....

What a Year......

2017 changed EVERYTHING in my life....

EVERYTHING....

Mom, (Zichrona Livracha), dwindled into a shell of what she had once been....

The Alzheimer's had finally won the battle which she had fought so valiantly and with such a

FEROCITY TO CLING TO PRIDE and DIGNITY....

And in a heartbreaking moment, surrounded by the ones she loved, I, her daughter, her "TOBELA",

gave her the "permission" she so desperately needed to just "Let go, and Let GOD"...

And in that strangely illumined moment before death, she THANKED ME with her lips...

She mouthed the words, I LOVE YOU....

And then she was gone....

Off to meet ALL those loved ones she'd lost in her lifetime....

Off to rejoin her siblings who had died in Auschwitz....Her Mom...My Dad...My Brother....

What a reunion they must have had up there...

I felt, devastated, complete, resolute, and heartbroken.... at once...

To lose one's MOTHER....

That feeling of being utterly ALONE....

Well.... THAT happened.....


My son, My GORGEOUS SON, Brendan, graduated from High School.....

Became a man...

Began College....

Mind-blowingly shocking to my system... AND to HIS....

But absolutely what we hope and pray for as parents.... as Human Beings....

A Good boy.... A Solid boy.... Wise far beyond his years....

The light of my life....


We moved to the SUNSHINE STATE, Brendan and me....

He went off to college.... I went off to a LUXURY APARTMENT....

A HUGE MOVE.... a DARING MOVE....

SCARY as SHIT frankly....

But absolutely necessary....

I'll admit to extreme culture shock during those first few months....

IRMA attacked just moments after we arrived....

Lots of frenetic imbalance.... Lots to adjust to.... HEAT...

But a GOOD MOVE....No question....


Mr. Trump became PRESIDENT....

A SHOCK.... A JOKE ?

Remains to be seen...


My CAREER as an ARTIST BLEW UP.... in GREAT WAYS....

Shows, Exhibits, Museums, Galleries....

FLORIDA has been a FABULOUS CAREER MOVE for me... hands down.....

I've come to realize my PURPOSE on this planet....

To forward a LEGACY....  To REMIND the UN-REMINDED....

Gratifying.... VERY VERY Gratifying....


Old friends........BEST FRIENDS.... (Bonnie)...RETURNED....(as if they'd never been gone)....

We happily learned that TRUE LOVE and FRIENDSHIP indeed stand the test of time....

New friends.... GREAT NEW FRIENDS, entered the picture....  ALL good on that front....

Families come in all shapes and sizes..... (Gittster and Brookie)


I began speaking to my FAVORITE COUSIN, Lovely Amanda, after years of being apart....

Comforting and familiar....


Very recently, one of the GREAT LOVES OF MY LIFE died... I'm still dazed, confused, & in shock

over losing him....  Many unanswered questions.... A TRAGEDY to be sure.....


So.... That's what's up....

The EBBS and FLOWS of LIFE as we know it....

from the now-weathered perspective of  "a girl from Portland".....


Wishing ALL OF "US" a 2018 FILLED WITH

SPLENDOR and LOVE and HEALTH and ILLUMINATION....


Respectfully and Lovingly Yours....

Toby Gotesman Schneier

NEW PLACES ???

When all is said and done.....

And we've spent veritable EONS clawing our way to the "SUN".....

When "WATERSHED MOMENTS" have become the NEW NORM....

Yes.....

When EVERYTHING can be described as a WATERSHED MOMENT.....

When veritable BUCKETS filled with:

LAUGHTER....

TEARS....

VISIONS...

PROPHESIES ...

MARRIAGES....

DIVORCES....

BIRTHS....

DEATHS.....

ECLIPSES ...

MEDITATIONS ....

PAINTINGS ...

BOOKS ....

have ALL been REALIZED.... ACTUALIZED.... ENDURED....

WHAT THEN ???

Seriously....

WHAT THEN ?

We've ARRIVED at the SUN....

Is there a BIGGER SUN somewhere else ?

A more POTENT one ?

Is this the POT OF GOLD at the end of our ILLUSTRIOUS RAINBOW ???

Pondering.....

Relief....and yet....

The woman walked toward the doorway of the now-frequented building...

stopped to "Purell" her hands....

(Somewhere in the recesses of her mind,
she realized that she had NEVER actually done the "Hand-Scouring" thing before....)

that, if she were being honest, she was somewhat offended when she saw others doing it...

It was as if they were trying to WASH the "Elderly" entirely from their beings...
like an infectious disease or something...

In any case, as the door opened,
she was quite stunningly taken aback by the MAGNIFICENT, sunlit day outside....

She realized almost instantaneously, that it was LESS about the GLORIOUS DAY....

and really ONLY about the visit to her MOTHER  ...

And in that moment, the TRUTH came spilling in with the rays of sunlight....

as if it were boiling tea being poured from a teapot....

TRUTH TEA...

Here's the thing:

It could have been TORRENTIALLY RAINING outside,

and she STILL would have experienced that VERY SAME feeling.....


The feeling was.....
to put it simply,

RELIEF....

(although what she was experiencing was FAR from "simple"....)

What was the relief about ?


Herein lies the REASON for which I'm compelled to tell you this story....


The woman actually DREADED going to see her mother...

SHE DREADED IT....

Why?

It was NOT because she didn't LOVE her mother......

AU CONTRAIRE...

It was because she LOVED HER MOTHER SO MUCH....

that the pain and bewilderment of the Alzheimer's Disease ....

the UNILATERAL PIRACY of her REAL MOTHER'S BODY by this villainous, dark scoundrel....

was SO DEBILITATING to her....

that she had boldly donned a cloak of INDIFFERENCE ...
an indifference SO CONVINCING, that even SHE herself was fooled by it....

She missed her mother SO MUCH....

The talks...the laughter....the arguments.....

This shell of a woman who could barely carry on a rational conversation ...

this could NOT really be her mom....

But the sad reality was....

THIS is who was left in her MOM's place....

an old, confused, slow woman....

who had sparkling moments of being her sassy and energetic self....

But those moments came less and less frequently now.....

Having said all of that....

being a committed daughter, a good Jewish girl, and really CARING.....

she came regularly and sat with her SHELL of a Mom...

holding her hands..... showing her pictures from her phone..... kissing her head...

And there, in the now-glaring sunlight of TRUTH....
she realized in VIVID COLOR,
that the reason for which  she was absolutely TERRIFIED to come here....

was the PARALYZING FEAR that HER OWN MOTHER WOULD NOT RECOGNIZE HER......

It hadn't happened yet....

But one day soon it would, to be sure....

And THIS fact of life ..... this inevitable "TURNING of the corner".....
CUT HER SO DEEPLY....
both literally and figuratively...
 that she had, somewhere along the way, unknowingly feigned "INDIFFERENCE"....
just in order to be able to survive the pain....
in order not to bleed to death....

Hence....

the GARGANTUAN  FEELING OF RELIEF every time that her
LOVELY MOTHER RECOGNIZED HER
came upon her swiftly and absolutely....
allowing her to feel, somehow, MOMENTARILY COMPLETE....

And so it went.....

A Subtle Shift....

She could barely decipher it....
The subtlety was, in fact, shrouded in subterfuge and fog...
And yet, her senses were wildly awakened by it....
That feeling of "Anticipation"....of "Satisfaction" even....
enveloped her in its warm, pink, fluffiness....
And as she stood there.....STILL...... SILENT....
it occurred to her, ever-so-delicately....
and with heightened INCREDULITY ...............
that she was.........

Wait for it...........

"""HAPPY""".
And so it went....
 

Tisha B'Av

On Tisha B'Av we mourn, yet again, the Destruction of the Beit Hamikdash.(Holy Temple).... Tonight , as we begin our 24 hour Fast, we are reminded, so unfortuna...tely, that we are a People who are historically,continuously,
placed in Precarious positions... Unfortunately, the state of the world today resonates in all too familiar ways... Wishing you a Safe and Easy Fast..... and continued strength in times of Oppression....
Toby Gotesman Schneier

Bits of Nostalgia Floating in the Atmosphere...

It's no big Epiphany on my part...
that we, as human beings, are HIGHLY susceptible to moments of
 REVERIE...
MEMORY...
LONGING.....
Deja vu...
We can SMELL the aroma of Apple Pie and be lifted back to a long ago scene in our Mom's kitchen...
We can hear the slight hint of a Melody, and without even being cognizant of
 WHAT the actual song IS,,,,,,,
 we are suddenly 16 years old again, with a pack of our girlfriends, driving through the streets of Portland on a Saturday night...
We can see a COLOR even,,,,, and have a STRIKING moment of unbridled sadness about a parent who is no longer with us....
a parent who wore a SHIRT of that PRECISE BLUE.....
The aforementioned are PURE, MUSCLE MEMORIES...
Completely uncontrollable....
Impossible to Eradicate, even IF we wanted to do so..
So ART is simply, at least from my abstracted perspective,
the NOTION that we can SOLIDIFY these moments in some kind of encapsulated way...
so as to SHARE them somehow....


 

A Frank Note....

Having grown up in a home where both parents were Auschwitz Survivors,
I am ALL too aware of the Gargantuan Losses and Upheavals that our people have endured...
We Speak about it, Write about it, Paint about it....Light Candles about it,
Create Staggering Film about it....
We BREATH , SLEEP, & EAT the HOLOCAUST....
We OWN it....
To the extent that I'm beginning to sense a kind of perverse PRIDE around it....
As though, somehow, those TORTURED, CALAMITOUS YEARS are being held up as a BANNER of sorts....
In fact, in some VERY DRASTIC cases, I'm relatively certain that there are people in MY generation who have somehow convinced themselves that it is THEY whom actually SURVIVED THE CAMPS...........
I am 150% with everybody about NEVER FORGETTING and keeping the STORY ALIVE and FLOWING to our children...
However, I fear that we may have lost site of JUST PLAIN, OLD "LIVING"....
We CANNOT ONLY LIVE, BREATH, SLEEP, EAT, PAINT, FILM, & WRITE about the HOLOCAUST!!
We MUST LOOK and GROW and FOCUS FORWARD.... We MUST...
If NOT, the NAZIS continue to WIN OVER AND OVER....
Ecclesiastes said, "For every thing there is a SEASON..."
I, for one, CANNOT and WILL NOT be SAD ALL THE TIME....
Life has many startling and magnificent layers....
Yes, the PAST is EVER-PRESENT in our lives....
But the PRESENT and FUTURE are EVER-PRESENT as well.....
Maybe just kick it down a notch or two ?

Never Forget...

Never Forget....

Holocaust Remembrance....
We remember the plague of German Reach to exterminate and annihilate our people...
The unimaginable reality that this Evil Force had such power...such legs beneath it...
We remember that MILLIONS of innocents were heaped in piles as though they were old, stained burlap...
ready to be burnt as a result of only their uselessness...
We remember that our simple ability to "trust" was forever lost during these calamitous years...
We became something MORE than a "PEOPLE"...
We became a "CAUSE" somehow...
Indignant...Defiant....
Our innocence was buried along with our families beneath the rubble of bodies there in the
notorious "Camps"....
We now are forever saddled with the almost insurmountable MISSION of
"moving on"....of "living well"....
of attaining success...happiness...even freedom ....
while all at once "putting history aside" and "NEVER FORGETTING"....
And we SHALL BE TRIUMPHANT ....
for ultimately...
This is our destiny....