Chanukah....

And as the bits of flame still flickered from the almost-done Chanukah candles...
On this 5th night of the holiday...
She was reminded of a time long ago....
In her childhood home...
Of the small living room in the 100 year old house....
(This was long before "OLD" was considered 'chic'!)
Of the family TV and the TIN-FOIL, all scrunched up and re-used, placed beneath the menorah by her mom in some sacrosanct moment of willful reverence...
of the smell of her Bobbi's (Zichrona Livracha) famous Latkes...
Greasy and Gigantic and SUPER FATTENING...
 but..........OH SO yummy...
Of her Mom and her Bobbi peeling potatoes and grating them 'til their hands were chapped and red....
of her Dad(Zichrono Livracha) ,in his big, red, velvet chair....
listening to his favorite Chazanim.......
 singing those old, liturgical songs on the record player....
She thought of her brother, Mike, (Zichrono Livracha)....(Yup..Him too.....)
surrounded, as it were, by girlfriends...There were always teenage girls visiting Mike at home...
What she wouldn't give to be back there again.......
swaddled into that Mellifluous and Cozy Blanket of
 Unenlightened Parenting and Cemented Tradition....
She was reminded of all those times she'd heard people saying that,
"You don't know how good something is until it's gone..."
And in this moment of Pure Nostalgia, she wept...
Tears of Anguish....of Longing.....of Missing those integral people...
Those Beautiful People...
And so it went........

 

Here's What Happened....

I've been feeling somewhat....mmm.....  Without Anchor....
Like I'm kind of floating in an abyss made up more of
"ETHEREAL MATTER" rather than "DENSITY"...
Make sense ?
Let me say this:
 An Artist's Life is bound by the Perpetual Pursuit of TRUTH on many levels....
If you can grasp what I'm attempting to say..... READ ON....

So My Dad, (Zichrono Livrachah), has been gone now for almost 10 years...
Actually quite SHOCKING to believe.....
And I have almost NEVER....  (with the exception of one time VERY early on)
had any sense of his presence....
Not in DREAMS....Not in PRAYER....Not whatsoever....
(Which is somewhat odd for a person like myself)....
One would think....
But Ive been convinced all along that he was reunited with his 9 Siblings and Parents, whom he lost in the Camps....
And He ALWAYS spoke about the Muncacher Rebbe, who was actually his Mohel!
And He had also lost a young wife and small child, who were shot in front of his face....
And honestly....I figured he was SO busy with All of them, that he forgot about me...

But this last Shabbos,,,,,
I had a DEEP LONGING for him in the afternoon, and I found myself in TEARS....
REALLY WEEPING....
Missing my Dad in an ACHING WAY....an UNUSUAL WAY.....
And I began to Speak to him and kind of BEG him to show up for me....
(Pretty personal stuff I'm sharing with you!)
I told him that I feel alone.....  That the family has mostly passed away....and that Mom is not clear enough anymore to really go to with my needs.....
 (At this time, is it is ME taking care of HER needs).....as the cycle of life continues....
And I just REALLY, PROFOUNDLY, needed his help,.....

And the VERY NEXT DAY, this CHILDREN OF SURVIVORS GROUP on Facebook kind of APPEARED to me....
I had NEVER even been made aware of it....
And suddenly, I found myself ENVELOPED BY KINDRED people....
People who REALLY "GET" ME.....
People who are supportive and understanding and EMPATHETIC .....
And I LITERALLY have LOST the feeling of ALONE-NESS....

And there is NO QUESTION WHATSOEVER that My Dad led me here...