she was an only child.....

NOW.......
her little brother had died last year...
he had been three.....a baby really....
she had accepted, only recently, that he would not be coming back..
that he would not be placing his fat , little hands on her face ever again.....
he had so adored her....
but she had cried all the tears that a body could produce....
there were no more tears left....
so she went through her days....
seemingly, a 'NORMAL, TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL',
brushing her hair and eating those big, buttery rolls in the cafeteria.....
and chuckling with her pals...
but inside....
in her heart.....
there was SUCH PAIN and ANGUISH.....
as if an arm had been pulled savagely from her body.....
she wondered why GOD was punishing her in this cruel way...

and her parents......BROKEN.....
devastated and angry......
they never ate dinner with her anymore...
she sat in the kitchen alone...
they had been so happy, as a family...

WHY, OH WHY, had she fought so hard when they wanted to put a fence around the pool ???
AND WHY on earth HAD THEY LISTENED TO HER ??
the guilt on the shoulders of this girl was
UNIMAGINABLY CONSUMING....
epic, survivor guilt.....

how would she go on ??
she could NEVER get in that pool again.....
she had heard her mother telling a friend that they were selling the house....

maybe this was a bad, bad dream.....
maybe she would awaken and her brother would be right there...
safe at home....

sorry mi compadres....

but, seriously...
can we just get back to the subject at hand ?
again....
I am "grossly" offended by my fellow Jews who CONTINUE to defend 
the 'friendlier', ARAB nations !!!
get this straight, ye pontificaters of 'all that is wrong'....
""FRIENDLY ARAB""  is the prime example of an OXYMORON !!
what are they thinking ??
ARE they thinking ??
they pass along these 'hopeful' and 'cemented' views..
regarding the NEW FOUND ""friendships"" between this country and that....
not for a MOMENT understanding that they are, in fact,
DELIVERING the EXACT affect,  which our enemies have been
"shooting" for.....
these sorry asses have become OUR MOST DANGEROUS constituents...
perplexing and infuriating.....

what is narcissism ?

is it the inability to see ANYTHING outside of one's own, personal agenda ?
is it delusion ?
fear ?
insecurity ?
the knowledge that at any given moment,
one's 'audience' could vanish ?
without a second thought ?

what makes the narcissist so completely INTOLERABLE ?
is it the fact that he has NO BOUNDARIES whatsoever ??
that he recognizes ONLY his own BIGGER PICTURE ??
that he respects NO ONE ?
not even himself ?

and WHY, prey tell, do narcissists seem, more often than not,
to be the ones who actually SUCCEED ??

we all know at least ONE, TRUE NARCISSIST....

thoughts ?

what do you suppose men have in their DNA...

to make them BELIEVE that
THE ENTIRE WORLD REVOLVES
ONLY AROUND THEM ?
is it the testosterone ??
the big feet ??
the "linear" quality of their physiques ?? (lol)
is it the fact that they can't ""stretch"" as well as we can ??
(well, i guess they CAN STRETCH THE TRUTH pretty well!!!)
or...
is it possibly that they don't SIT while urinating ??(just filibustering here !)
is it their  inability to become intimate ??
their conspicuous lack of  intuition when it comes to judging people ??
or is it just, plain STUPIDITY ???
hard to say really.......

revisiting the concept....

of the HOTTY in the white shirt.....
he's ALL WRONG for us !!!
we don't even think he's a JEW !!!
and yet....
and yet.....
he's SO freaking HOT !!
and he luvvvvvvvs US....
of this there can be no denying....
he has loved us from "DAY ONE"....
it would BE infinitely easier, were we not running into him every
Muntek and Donerschtik !!! (yiddish for Monday and Thursday)
but we are !!
and after all..........HE"s SO HOT !!!
so what to do ???
we can........a) ignore him
                   b) pretend that it's not an issue
            or    c) let him KISS us again !
we are leaning 'heavily' toward option C !!
but there will be consequences....
we are quite certain of this!!
still and all.......
 He's ridiculously HOT !!!
stay tuned...
and.....
keep your wits about you...
one of us has to !!!
and, as always.....
SHABBAT SHALOM...
xo

there are SO many obstacles.....

on the road to success...
the most significant one being the 'snippety' people
 watching and/or 'helping'....
they don a big smile just for you,
 and they make you feel that they care....
and then...
just like that.....
THEY TURN....
just after receiving that PIECE of you....
that private part which you've entrusted to them ....
and they become grumpy and whiny and MEAN...
and they gossip and they sneer....
and they STAB YOU with their COLD, HARD IRE....
and all you EVER WANTED was a little support !!
and you WONDER how on earth you got involved
with them in the first place !!!
and yet again you realize...
that you've been WAYYYYYY too trusting....
and so it goes, my friends...

and then there were NONE !!

and the brown cow was just TOO stimulated!!
for Grover HAD MOVED the barn to the other side of town...
and the VIEWS from this barn were MIND BOGGLING !!
even for a COW !!!
and the cow couldn't be bothered with the other,
more 'pedestrian' animals in the dwelling any longer...
after all, THE MILK WAS ""NOT"" FREE !!
and so....
Grover had seen fit to house her in LUXURY and the likes...
interesting to note here that she,
 the brown cow,
was missing 4 of her utters !!
I KNOW !!!!
ewwww, right ???
there had been a cruel farm hand before Grover.....
he had cut them from her !!!
for no apparent reason....
just sliced those suckers off !!!
in an 'utterly' despicable manner !!
and to add insult to injury,
 he had done so in front of all the OTHER, less 'ascended' ANIMALS !!!
she had been HUMILIATED.....
but time heals all wounds...
she would have to continue to squeeze HARDER,
in order to compensate for the lost utters...
but she was certain that she would, yet again,
RISE TO THE OCCASION....
in fact, she'd been SO inspired by the barn views,
that she had recently emitted PURE, CHOCOLATE MILK !!
seriously !!
okay.....
okay.....

and the boy knew...

with utter certainty....
that there was a whole family living in the basement of his house...
he didn't know why....
but he knew that they were there....hidden...underneath the floorboards
of the living room...
for some secret reason.....
he'd seen his mother, more than once, making dozens of sandwiches..
and putting them into an ice cooler....
and carrying it down the very deep steps....
she'd assumed, of course, that the boy was asleep each time.....
but he had followed her.....
and he'd heard the very faint sound of a violin from his perch at the top
of the steps....
although this whole scenario was CLEARLY A SECRET,
and even though the boy really understood NONE OF IT....
he had the overwhelming sense that his mother was doing something WONDERFUL for the family underneath the floorboards....
and this sense gave him tremendous pride...

there's NO question....

that dreams come true !!!
what's that David Ben-Gurion quote ?
"miracles occur, but one has to work very hard at them"....
TRUE DATT, broheim.....
you really have to go through so much SHIT, in order to get to the MIRACLE !!
and then, even though you've been assiduously praying for it,
and arduously suffering because of the lack of it,
YOU CANNOT BELIEVE YOUR GOOD FORTUNE !!!
when the miracle actually SHOWS UP !!!
furthermore, you quickly,
 but quickly,
forget the hardships and bondage which occurred JUST BEFORE the miracle !!  LOLOL
we are a strange breed, humankind, filled with inconsistency and flaw....
and sugar plums...
YES !!!
WE ARE FILLED WITH SUGAR PLUMS !!
what IS a sugar plum anyway ???
regardless of idiom and/or esoterica,
we DO GET LUCKY from time to time !!!
DAMN !!!
that feels good !!!

faux pas.....

so I'm driving today in new jersey....
and there is crrrazzzy traffic.....
plus,
sorry, you 'jersey dudes',,,
, but new jersey drivers are ridiculous.....
they're filing their nails, checking their phones,
 stopping at the mall,  etc....
and they are soooooo slow....
and there are all these random UTURN things !!
i don't know...i just don't know....

in any case,
 there's this car in front of me....
and his emergency lights are flashing.....
and he's driving literally 2 miles an hour !!
and I AM READY TO PULL MY HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD !!
and I'm honking and flashing my brights at him...
and then i roll down the window, and I'm hurling things like,
"YOU ARE THE BIGGEST SHIT HEAD !!!"
"LEARN HOW TO DRIVE, LOSER !!!"
and on and on .....
and I'm MEAN and LOUD.....
and so he moves over to let me pass;;;;;and he appears to be crying or something....
and get this,
HE"S PART OF A """FUNERAL PROCESSION """!!!!
AND THEY ALL HAVE THEIR EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON !!!!
and i am so ASHAMED and EMBARRASSED !!!
 i drive quickly past the procession,
 feeling like 
SUCH AN ASSHOLE !!
MY BAD......

we had become, 'en masse', professional victims....

we had spent most of our days and nights lamenting
our dilemmas, situations, problems....
(or rather, what we CONSIDERED to be problems)..
worrying and 'scurrying'
 like rats in search of cheese...
(i bet rats LOVE pizza!)...
just saying...:}
whilst our people in the middle east dodged bullets and bombers..
as "THEIR" PIZZA parlors were crushed and burnt to smithereens.....
but NOW....
the game has changed somewhat...
WE, (the pizza rats),
ARE DODGING BULLETS and BOMBERS HERE !!
IN THE LAND OF FREEDOM and OPPORTUNITY !!!
how did this change occur, you ask ?
i think, humbly(lol),
that we allowed,
insidiously,
the theological and philosophical viewpoints and mandates of
OTHER 'LESS FREE' PEOPLE...
to infiltrate the landscape of our very homeland....
hence, bringing the baggage, situational unrest, and violence HERE....
what am i saying ??
that our "UBER SOCIAL CONSCIENCE" has besmirched our
ONCE safe and lovely world with
UGLY and VIOLENT DOCTRINE....
and such.....
how can we return to the naivety of yesteryear ??
a question with layers upon layers of
POMPOUS and RHETORICAL RESPONSE......

there's a small brownstone.....

a few blocks from where i live...
pretty dilapidated....
and i often walk by it, en route to someplace or another.....
and there's something about this house on the upper east side....
that always grabs my attention...
on the second floor,
there is always,
but always....
 a young woman sitting next to the window....
'Rapunzel esque', in a way.....
long hair...
she has a very sad smile....
is SAD SMILE an oxymoron ?
and she's somewhat dehydrated, in a way...
hard to explain...
after all, I'm not right next to her....
but i have the distinct impression that she is STARVING....
i don't know why...
call it intuition....
hence...
sometimes when i know I'll be passing by 'said house'....
(or perhaps when i determine to do so)...
I'll leave a bag of muffins or apples or something...
and then, later in the day, I'll swing back around...
just to see if she's taken the food inside....
but she NEVER does so...
the food is always right there, in the place where i left it....
and it makes me sad...
i don't know why I'm telling you about this.....

"speed-date guy"....

so i went to meet 'speed-date guy'....
and after all, I'd only met him that once....
i remembered he had glasses....
and that he was a musician...
and that's about ALL i remembered !!
so i get there....
and i see a guy kind of hanging by a pole.....
and he's looking at me...kind of relieved or something...
and i go over to him, and i go, "JOHN ?"
and he goes, "yeah"....
and I'm thinking to myself, "HE DOESN'T HAVE GLASSES!"
and he doesn't seem like JOHN....
and then he goes, "CHRISTINA?"...
and i go, "UHHH>>>> NO !"
and he goes, "well, pleasure to meet you anyway..."
and I'm thinking, "WHAT ??"
and then this hostess comes outside and asks me if I'm meeting a guy with glasses...
and i go, "yeah."
and she goes, "i think hes waiting inside...."
and she's kinda like CHUCKLING......
and she points him out to me...
and i see the glasses.....
and I'm totally confused as to whether it's him or not...
but the hostess is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that his name is JOHN and that hes waiting for a woman....
and he has his back kind of to us, and all i see from the angle I'm standing at are these HUGE, FREAKING GLASSES !!!
and the side view of what looks like a GIGANTIC ZIT !!!
and i go to the hostess, "go ask him if he's waiting for TOBY..."
"cause if he is, I'm RUNNING AWAY !!!"
and the hostess goes, "he's not THAT UGLY !!..it's just those GIGANTIC GLASSES..."
i mean, this guys glasses made him look like MR ED !!!
and we are wetting our pants laughing !! (me and the hostess!)
and finally, i go over to him and ask if his name's JOHN,
 and he says, "yeah."
and i am DYING that i made a date with a ZIT FACED, MR ED !!!
and I'm thinking,
 "i won't even be able to eat, cuz his face makes me want to puke !!"
and i go, "I'm TOBY, remember ?"
and he goes, "NO".
and i ask him if he's "SPEED-DATE JOHN" , and thank GOD, he says,
 "NO."
and the hostess is doubled over laughing...
and then i go outside, and walking toward me...
is "SPEED-DATE JOHN"....

this is a CLASSIC 'me' story !!

i had been given a very rare, CHINESE bowl...
Ming dynasty...
as a house gift a few years back....
**i had no idea how valuable it was....
(but i do remember clearly that the guy who gave it to me had TEARS in his eyes as he handed it over !)
LOL  ...that shoulda been the tip-off !
and i had a situation recently where i needed
 extra cash...
so i decided to sell it...
i went to one of the top, auction houses to appraise it,
and lo and behold !!
it was worth FAR more than i had ever imagined  !!
NICE house gift !!
so after mulling it over, i determined to sell it at the establishment where I'd had it appraised, being that they were holding a huge, Chinese auction that month.....
on the morning that i was to take it in, i placed it,
ever so delicately, into a duffel bag and set out walking,
 VERY SLOWLY,
to the auction house...
(rather than taking a cab, for fear something would happen to it)...
it was, after all, only a few blocks...
i walked outside with the bag..
and there was a scaffolding in front of the building across the street....
and for some CRAZY REASON, i swung the bag WAY up in the air as i crossed the street...
and it came down and SLAMMMMED into the steel scaffolding !!!!!
and you, literally, could hear the 'CHA CHING' !!
  of the bowl hitting the steel for miles  !!
it was SO loud and lyrical !!!
( i guess it was lyrical because it was 'GOOD' porcelain....)
and i started CRYING and LAMENTING on the street,
afraid to check the bowl....
afraid to know !
i walked to the auction house,nonetheless,
 and the woman in charge came out to inspect it for scratches , scrapes, etc....(before handing over the cash)....
and  SHOCKER !!, there was, in fact,
 a NEW, 'HAIRLINE' SCRATCH.....
and the bowl that would've brought me over TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS !!
sold for a mere EIGHT ....
i was devastated....
what ON EARTH
had made me swing that thing up in the air  ????

i was watching my people.....

from within, as well as from without...
in the 'house of worship'....
the women, dressed in their 'conservative' finery....
good fabrics, jewels....
they had small, shopping bags with 'flats' inside them,
 stowed away under starched, white tablecloths....
in order to aid them in WALKING home after 'shul'....
they chattered and guffawed and snickered and hugged.....
and tried DESPERATELY NOT to eat the CARBs
which were spread out on the
buffet tables.....
running to and fro...
in search of the legendary, CHOPPED SALAD...
they would need to filibuster on the chopping....
possibly pull some WEIGHT with the catering staff....
in order to stay on PAR...

the men....
SERIOUS...
perhaps a tad drunk...lol...
having prayed their lungs out,
begging the MASTER for help with this and that....
their businesses, their families, their gambling debts..
taking peeks at the women's legs, shooting out from the pencil skirts...
the men had heaping plates of cholent and meat and cake....
they did not ascribe to the carb mandate.....

the kids....
happy, for the most part....
busying themselves with non-electrical, activities..
VERY NICE>>>>>>>
VERY NICE>>>>>>>

and ME...
meandering through the crowd...
finding my sea legs....
gathering rhythmic steam..
yes indeed....

old friends......

old friends, i think,  are just like old shoes....
they're OLD !!
AND YA REALLY DON'T WANT TO WEAR THEM ANYMORE.....
even though you might love them...
except on the days with inclement, weather conditions....
cause it doesn't matter what happens to them....they're OLD...
and they NAG and NAG you to the point of YOUR OWN HYSTERIA....
so you dont care about them getting drenched or
HIT BY A HALE STONE...
or covered by snow....

here's the dilemma that presents itself.....

NEW friends are 'unpredictable'.....(cause ya don't really know them.)
like NEW shoes......
they can go one of two ways....(the new shoes)
they can place you in pain and agony, while still appearing shiny and pretty....
or...
they can make your feet feel renewed and lovely and 'fashionable'........
for that matter, actually,
new friends can give you pain and agony too !!
and make you feel lovely !

so.....
what is my point today ?
EITHER WAY, IT SUCKS....
xox

there was a fruit stand on the corner.....

a young mother worked there, day in and day out...
she brought her three, small children with her every day.....
one wondered if they attended school...
they would sit on old crates a few feet from there mother from sunup to sundown....
the two girls each had a doll....
the boy had nothing...
even in the rain and snow,
one could see those children sitting on the corner....
it was tragic....

yet at lunchtime every day, the overworked mother would leave the fruit stand
and buy each child a bagel from the shop across the street....
and as the children sat back down on their crates with their plain bagels,
the mother would sing songs to them...
and play her flute for them...
and these kids would be overcome with happiness and gratitude....
laughing and singing with their mother.....

it was a portrait of a struggling family,
in a cold and selfish city....
passersby didn't seem to care....

yet they had love.....
moreso than most.....

what do you do with an old boyfriend ??

when he shows up.....
it feels like no time's gone by....
he's still hot.....
and you're still hot FOR HIM !
and you kiss and hug and play and chuckle....
and you kind of revisit the same old, same old discussion..
and you pretty much still dig him....
and he pretty much still has his eye on you....
and the guitar guys melt away into oblivion....
and you eat a hot dog with relish....
and you relish the time with him......
and before ya know it....
SHABBOS is upon you again....
and so it goes....

i live in a glass box way up on top of new york...

and the air is crisper and cleaner..
and the responses are way more chill....
and even the dog has finally relaxed !
EVEN THE DOG !
she was a nutty, little thing,
 yelping and yapping at every move...
but here....
up in 'METRO PARADISE'...
she SMILES.....
and i can see the planes taking off and landing....
and the full moon glistening directly upon my face.....
and the bridges......ALL OF THEM !!
i can see light and form
 and actual
"texture of atmosphere".....
and in this ETHEREAL SPACE,
which I'VE CREATED...
i am inspired and mused....
so that the intricacies and
 rhetorical 'brick-a-brack'
 involved in my 'craft'
 are flying through the air.
 right by ME.... SO fast,
that my artistic self has actually left my body,
in order to chase after them !
and as i attempt to catch up with this group of esoteric entities....
and twirling dervishes of profundity....
 i feel as though i may be nearing Nirvana or thereabouts....
and just in case you're wondering...
I AM BESIDE MYSELF WITH GLEE !!!

so i'm in this GIGANTIC traffic nightmare..

on the upper east side....
and there's this taxi in front of me....
and the 'turbaned' driver appears to be eating SOUR Kraut or something....
cuz it's ALL OVER THE PLACE.....ewwww
while clearly not giving a damn
 about the cars trying to get around him at all.....
and minutes are turning into hours...
and there's GRIDLOCK SO THICK,
that I'm starting to feel claustrophobic....
and then....
get this !!
the guy just STOPS HIS CAB in the middle of this insane traffic jam....
gets out ....
takes out a YOGA MAT....
and gets down on the ground,, in the street,
 on all fours !!!
and starts praying and chanting and lamenting and weeping and singing!!
LOUDLY !!
and we, the people in traffic behind him..
are flabbergasted by this most bizarre sight.....
and then...
the traffic in front of him starts moving....
and he just stays there in child's pose...
NONPLUSSED.....
and everybody's honking by now....and yelling at him.....
and he remains still.....
AND WE FIND,
at this peculiar juncture,
 THAT  HE, in fact,
 HAS PASSENGERS in the cab !!
and they appear to be a kind of 'white bread',
fair haired, family of four...
and they all have their ipods in hand and their ear pieces secured...
they seem, actually, to be lost in song....
WHY DO I SAY THAT?.,,you ask ?
BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T NOTICED THAT THEIR DRIVER IS IN THE STREET ON ALL FOURS !!!

just thought I'd share.....

he wore a creamy pink sweater....

and his hair was a bit longer than she remembered...
with hints of grey at the temples....
he was SO handsome...
SO freaking masculine...
looking at him still made her melt....
he had ALWAYS had that  immediate effect on her....
odd...
the ONLY man that she actually 'crumbled' at the sight of....
so she approached him, trying to gain some modicum of composure....
smiling that 'lame' smile that really only ever appeared
for him.....(lol)
she just couldn't help herself !
and when he saw her, he jumped up...
and SWAGGERED over to her.....
he smelled of that cologne.....that spicy stuff he'd always worn.....
even THAT made her weak in the knees..
the only marked difference in him was the deep scar on his forehead..
she guessed it had come from the mugging that she'd read about......
four men had attacked him in his office.....
late at night....
they'd had a knife...

was it possible that he LOOKED EVEN HOTTER now ??

the two of them,
she and him,
 literally fused into one another...
like some kind of unified, electrical force....
sound corny ??
ahhhh......
all she knew for certain was that...
LOVE WAS GRAND....
and this was DECIDEDLY 'LOVE'....

processing change......

we, as human beings, seem to be somewhat 'alergic' to change.....
it makes us sneeze .....
it creates rashes and welts all over our bodies....
it makes us CRY......
and so on...
but folks,
without change,
the world would become a stagnant and puffy orb....
filled with stale air, cigarette fumes,
and other foul emissions.....(ewww)
Gross !
I know....I can be TOTALLY GROSS.....(sorry!)
BUT>>>>>>>>
 if you don't like it....
i mean, if you're OFFENDED by my brutal conjecture....
you are most welcome to...
TAKE YOUR PRISSY ASSES somewhere else !!
far away from my hub of minutia....
 I speak the truth....
BECAUSE I CAN.....
in any event,
back to the subject at hand....
CHANGE...
actually,
 that's it...
that's all i have to say...
WASTE OF A BLOG POST !!   lololol

what is 'luxury' ?

is it the ability to serve up vegan chili in a LALIQUE bowl ?
while sitting on the floor of your new crib ?
surrounded by bridges and water...and bridges and water....??
is it the gift of being able to sift through your old stuff,
and THROW IT AWAY ??
or give it to the homeless guy in front of the school ?
can luxury be a curse ?
or is it ONLY a pleasant surprise ??
perhaps luxury is NOT A SURPRISE AT ALL !
its distinctly possible that we have grown to EXPECT luxury...
hence...
dangerous waters arise....
expectations, in general,
are 'always' laced with narcissism and debauchery....
having said all of that,
 its NICE TO HAVE !!
unto every life, a drop of LUXURY must fall....

how many chances...

must one give to a person who constantly
crosses over personal and ethical boundaries ?
and then,
to add insult to injury,
 ALWAYS insists that the 'crossing over' was done in jest ?
how many times must we allow ourselves to feel 'compromised' ?
'violated' even ?
how can we communicate these personal boundaries to these buffoons ?
and why do we feel obligated to do so in any case ??
its interesting to speculate as to our own feelings of inadequacy,
 insecurity perhaps....
leading us to connect with these externally beautiful,
vacuous creatures in the FIRST PLACE !
do we want to be abused ??
taken for granted ??
do we not possess even a modicum of self regard and respect ?
so we BLOCK and DELETE them from our lives....
expunge them....
and they spend the next several weeks telling us how
 HURT and INSULTED they are !!
maybe they should've considered that when they sent us those
rude, explicit photos of themselves...
or obsessed over us in that stalkerish way.....
uggghhhhh....
it takes all kinds.....:}}

stuck in the middle.....

not here.....not there....
a state of limbo ensues...
exciting, yet somewhat disconcerting....
difficult to explain....to express...
nonetheless...
as per usual, we move forward....
marching to the tune of glistening water and hybrid sunshine...
ever conscious of the dogma hidden beneath the veil of blue.....
beneath the gorgeous ness...
as a bird flies by our 'newly acquired' window....
batting its brazen eyelashes at us....
from behind its PRADA sunglasses.....
WHAT ??
how did we even NOTICE that designer insignia ??
the bird has a ribbon of pink around its neck as well....
a 'breast cancer' ribbon.....
things are TOTALLY different up here !

there are days....

that are so filled with detail and happening,
that it somehow paralyzes you from the outside in....
i think its safe to say that, YES,
even though
we are CLEARLY capable of extraordinary processing and undertaking skills........
our minds are really only the size of ...
uhhh....a PEACH !
and after all,
how much information can practically
FIT into a PEACH ????
this is a question with a multitude of diverse answers, I'm sure...
the point is that human beings can elevate only SO HIGH...
and then, it seems, that the actual DERMIS will CRACK...
allowing the liquid,
canoodled particles and neurons....
to seep out....
leaving the brain with nothing more than tissue and sinew and the likes.....
and so,
my loves....
BE CAREFUL NOT TO BITE OFF MORE
""PEACH""
 THAN YOU CAN CHEW !!
shabbat shalom......

the composer sat on the stoop....

outside of Carnegie hall....
broken......defeated....
they had laughed at him....
they had screamed and laughed and thrown things....
he was humiliated !
all because of those stupid, TIGHT PANTS !!
he was busily conducting his symphony,
when he bent forward at the crescendo....
(in order to EMPHASIZE the moment)
and the freaking seam busted wide open !!!
to make matters worse,
he NEVER wore underwear when he conducted,
 as they constricted the  creative 'chi' which he was so known for...
so the bottom line is that his entire ASS was exposed to
the elegant men and women in the audience !!!
making him a LAUGHING STOCK !!!
to make matters worse, he had been so wrapped up in the music,
that he hadn't realized !!!
so he went on and on for eeeeeasily, 15 minutes !!
GOD !!!
what a fiasco !!!
what a debacle !!!
after the piece, he had run outside,
tears of shame pouring down his face.....
of course, he had wisely reached for his coat first....
and sitting there,
on the street on west 57th,
 he reached into his pocket....
and found an old, butter finger, candy bar....
what a picture.....
a man in a tux on the ground in new york city,
crying and eating a chocolate bar...

this is it !!!

the day of reckoning !!!
the day of justified reconfiguration !!
the backs of our trusty camels are loaded with the necessary accoutrement.....
the files, the drinking water, MY AMULET...
i can't think of what else we need.....
although i KNOW that there's something...
possibly the blue ribbons to give out
to FIRST PLACE PEDESTRIANS
on foot...
or the RED kool-aid for 'liberal' drinking.....
orrrr....
the Moroccan oil, so that our hair won't get nappy and Brillo-like.....
i know what's gonna happen !!
"mark" my words !!!
we're gonna be in the desert....
wayyyyyyy deep in the desert....
AND I'M GONNA REMEMBER WHAT I FORGOT !!!
it happens all the time !!!
but, my friends,
40 YEARS without my shit ??
that's a lonnnnnnng time TO HAVE BAD HAIR !!!

what's up with all the 'LOSERs on BLACKBERRIES' ??

they are literally driving,
 talking on the phone,
 texting,
emailing,
 filing their nails,
changing the radio station,
and taking care of an infant in the back seat !!!!
ALL AT THE SAME TIME !!!!
we KNOW there's an infant,
'cause there's a gigantic sign in their window that says,
 "BABY ON BOARD" !!!!!
and they're asking US to drive safely !!!
so...
WHAT THE HECK ????
can somebody explain this absurd phenomenon to me ???
and is all of this communicating making us
MORE EFFICIENT ??
MORE ASCENDED ???
MORE INFORMED ???
i think not, Midas...
i think not...

and it would ALL be perfect....

and as it should be....
by the 14th....
and then.....
they could all take a big, long HIKE !!!
to a 'down low' place .....
where the sun don't shine....:}
and she would board the gulf stream ....
HER gulf stream....
and with her feet ensconced in white, puffy, mink slippers....
and a mask of silk, lavender, and thyme,
 covering her sleepy,
yet beautiful, green eyes....
she would fall into that kind of sleep
 that comes only after an arduous journey.....
the kind of sleep that washes away the pain of yesteryear....
gratuitously.....
and completely....
and with ONLY her trusted, old, 'luis vuitton' handbag by her side.....
and her extreme and gracious, good will.....
she would set off for PLACES UNKNOWN....
UNCHARTED....
miracles were right there,
sitting in the palm of her recently manicured, left hand.....

he had made a 'community' soup....

for EVERYONE.....
with all the ingredients that he could find thrown in  !
all the vegetables and meats and spices
and 'dirty laundry' that he could muster...
and he had tried fooling
ALL OF THEM into eating it that night at dinner....
(his stinky concoction)
but they were not nearly as foolish as he had imagined them to be....
they BLATANTLY REFUSED to
EAT HIS soiled UNDERWEAR and SOCKS !!! !!
that's where they had, FINALLY<
 put their feet down !!
i mean, they had stuck their necks out prrretty far for him in the past....
more times than they cared to remember.....
but come on !!
he seemed to constantly be 'TESTING THEIR LOYALTY'...
but loyalties dwindle, as one's true nature becomes evident....
the schmuck could eat his OWN DIRTY UNDERWEAR !!!!

she gathered her 'troops' yet again...

for the only way to really fend off the 'liberals'.....
was simply to OUTRANK THEM...
they were a divisive force , to be sure...
a source of constant aggravation and frustration....
THEY WERE JUST PLAIN WRONG !!
but the thing about the liberals...
was that....
in the end of the day....
they kind of 'SHOT THEIR LOAD' quickly...
(like an inexperienced guy!).....
left kind of 'sorry' and useless...and flaccid....(lol)
after all, they had NO REAL ARGUMENT.....
they just lived to be contrarians......
silly, superfluous contrarians....
shooting themselves in the feet....
over and over again......

have you ever had that crazy feeling...

that something is about to burst wide open ??
and I'm NOT talking about a zit !!!(eww, sorry!)
I'm talking about energetic field....
about life altering, all consuming karmic actuality !!!
and if......
and this is a big IF.....
 you've been a model citizen....
a good friend...
a loyal lover.....
a conscientious parent.....
if these necessary characteristics have been achieved......
then, BABY, YOU GOT NUTHIN' TO WORRY ABOUT !!!
that burst of your METAPHYSICAL BALLOON.....
will happen at a moments notice......
as if a 'pinata' had just been cracked !!
dropping all sorts of toys and gifts and flowers and chocolates....
upon your head !!!
CASCADING around you....
as liquid gold...
imagine !
but.......
if you've been "less than stellar"....
OK...
the zit thing applies here...(sorry again!)
it might ooze blood and slime like an unctuous BOIL...
covering you in germs and infections and other peoples' guts
 and whatnot....
so......
my message ???
I CAN"T THINK OF ONE !!
haha !!!

IT"S ON !!! IT"S ON !!!

don't think that it's not !!
it's SO on !!
and the October birds are chirping their lungs out !!
(do birds have lungs ??)
I'll have to ask a medical student !
no !!
a veterinary student !! that's it !!
damn!!
those would be some 'tiny' lungs...
and the sun is shining !!
and cigarettes have made their way into the time capsules of days gone by......
and the Russian appears to have lost some weight....
must be all that borscht ??
is borscht Russian ??
kinda like the 'cabbage soup diet'....except NOT !!!
anyway....
kids are riding tricycles in the congested metropolis....
and pizza guys are actually SMILING !!
even though it's 7 in the morning !!
TIME TO MAKE THE DONUTS ??
what ??

WHO SAYS we can't always have it our way ???

why not, prey tell ??
why can't we ?
after all.....
there is myriad evidence to the contrary...
i say WE CAN !!
and WE WILL !
and so....
we move forward.....
and happily, it is with very little trepidation indeed....
for things have somehow gone our way all along !
sure....sure....
there were bumps in the road...
MORE than bumps ......
there were MOUNTAINS in the road !!
no !!
MORE THAN MOUNTAINS !!!
there were the FREAKING ALPS !!!!
for God's sake !!!
nonetheless....
we survived....
not only did we survive, but we thrived !!
(and without even a hint of frostbite !)
and so....
and so it goes.....

try as you will...

pound them over the head with a freakin BRISKET !!!
and they STILL DON"T GET IT !!!!
agree to DISAGREE ???
WHAT ??!!
give me a BREAK !!!
simple math.
here it is....
I,
 humbly,
(lol),
 AM RIGHT !!!
and THEY ARE WRONG !!
one plus one equals TWO !!
but NOOOOOOOOOOOO....
they will fight me tooth and nail to prove some
BULLSHIT,
ANTIQUATED, point....
that's WRONG !!
misguided....
misdirected.....
JUST WRONG !!
and so......
what can we do with these LAME Brains ???
put them in a zoo ??
filled with other silly, misguided, LIBERAL
 monkeys and bears??
feed them to the enemy on silver platters, garnished with 
HUMMUS and TEHINA?
build them houses FAR away from ours ???
rrrggghhhhhhhh.......
i can't !!
i CAN'T !!!
this diplomacy stuff....
IT DOESN'T WORK !!
just sayin....

ARE WE LIVING IN A "SHUK" ????

when did the UPPER EAST SIDE
become a
'boulevard of burkas'
 complete with
 guys kneeling on mats and
tables of draped 'ladies',
(operative word being LADY)...
with nick knacks from like
 the
'YEAR ALEPH'
being sold in order to .......uhhhh
i don't know why they're being sold actually !
i mean....
they have oil wells and shit, RIGHT ??
hmm....
maybe the tables with the covered women are a BEARD...
for....
illicit activities...
when did new york start selling schwarma sandwiches on the street ???
how did this happen ??
WERE WE SLEEPING ???
shall i set up my own table outside ??
and sell.....mmm.....
GEFILTE FISH ???
and HERRING ???
while wearing my bathrobe and a veil ????
WHAT ???
i am beside myself with questions and accusations and the likes.....

here's the thing.....

it is very, very easy to jump to conclusions....
thereby eradicating even the tiniest possibility that something else ENTIRELY is going on.....
we personalize EVERYTHING ad nauseum...
only to find out later, more often than not, that the thing that we perceived as a
PERSONAL BLOW TO THE GUT...
had essentially NOTHING TO DO WITH US WHATSOEVER !!
often times, it is simply too late at this point to backtrack...
so we become entrenched and enslaved by the WRONG position....
feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and enormously regretful....
STUCK IN THE MIRE....
so why not just come clean, my friends ???
i know...i know....
YOU JUST CAN"T.....
but trust me on this...
that primary position ....
the one which you stood by so ardently and 'tom foolishly'...
it will continue to RUIN the possibilities of growth for you......
and will become like a "BACKWARD BADGE OF HONOUR"...
understand ??
so....
before JUMPING TO A FINITE CONCLUSION....
take a moment....
get the facts.....
grow the f*ck up.....

part 2....MISSY's speed date......

it was totally bizarre !
you sat on this velvet sofa (the women).....
and every 8 minutes a GONG would go off, and another guy would come over to you,
and sort of "get interviewed'.....
the really TELLING thing about this venue, at least from Missy's point of view,
was that she would normally NEVER give these dorks the time of day...
basing her responses solely on LOOKS.....
but the speed dating FORCED her to have 8 minute conversations with these 'would be suitors'.....
and make NO MISTAKE, readers ....
8 minutes is a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGG TIME....
LOLOLOL
she ended up, however,
true to form....
ducking back into the hummer after only 4 speed dates.....
knowing full well that these losers would not MAKE THE CUT....
for after all, MISSY was still and always MISSY...:}}
**life lesson....
"YOU CAN TAKE THE PICKLE OUT OF THE JAR.....
BUT YOU CAN'T WASH OFF THE VINEGAR !!"

shabbat shalom, sweet things...
xo

dudes !!!! i totally forgot to tell you that MISSY went SPEED DATING !!!!

its true !!!
she saw this ad for a speed dating party on the Internet....
it said that there are 30 dates, and each of them is 8 minutes....
and she thought, "what the heck !!"
"its not like I'm gonna run into somebody i know !
RIGHT ??  AM I RIGHT ???"
so she got all dressed up in puff and tulle and jewels and the works !!
and she looked, if i do say so myself, (LOLOL)
pretty freaking good !!
she climbed into the hummer....
and drove to china town....
the party was held at a downtown club.....
she parked RIGHT IN FRONT (even though there was a fire hydrant !)
***this was insurance, in the event she would need to make a SPEEDY EXIT !
LOLOL
while she was sitting in the car, debating whether this kind of thing was
" SIMPLY BENEATH HER"....
2 short, seemingly "Pakistani" guys ran out of the club and directly to the hummer.....
they motioned to her to open the window.....
and they said, in tandem,
"YOU are coming HERE ???"
"WOW !!!!"
Missy, being nothing if not a bit egotistical,
actually found some perverse pleasure in the fact that she had lined up 2,
count'm
" 2 " loyal worshippers
who would  stand by her side, if push came to shove..
LOLOL
and so , she entered the club with the 2 guys in tow.....
EVERYTHING WAS RED VELVET !!!
it looked like a freaking BROTHEL !!!
but there was something comical about the scene....
STAY TUNED< BROHEiMS>>>>>>>>>>>

having never been one to mince words....

MISSY determined to simply open the window.....
and  literally SCREAM at the passersby,
"STOP !!!!  LOOK AROUND YOU !!!!"
"DON"T YOU SEE THE BASKETS FULL OF BABIES ????"
the newborns,
fourteen of them,
had been left on the sidewalk.....
some freaky adaptation of 'moses left on the Nile', she guessed.....
and people were just walking by !!!
NOT NOTICING !!!
HOW ON EARTH COULD THEY BE SO BLIND ????
so, in true form, she put on her sweats and sneakers......
and took the WHEELBARROW out of the coat closet....
(why did she have a wheelbarrow in Manhattan ???)
(an unanswered question !)
nonetheless, SHE HAD ONE !!!
so she ran downstairs and began gathering the newborns
and loading them into the wheelbarrow.....
NOBODY NOTICED !!!
huh ???
she wanted to hit these pedestrians over their 'coiffed' heads !!
what was wrong with people in this city ???
and where had these babies come from ??
interesting to note......they were perfectly clean and smelled of baby powder and lotion.....
all swaddled up in pink blankets...
WEIRD>>>>>>>>>>
REALLY< <<<
there wasn't time to think....
she had to get them indoors and call the Manhattan precinct....
they were tiny, little things, so they fit perfunctorily into the wheelbarrow.....
and luckily, it was lined with soft down...
so the infants felt cozy...
okay....okay......
too much to tell in one blogpost !
stay tuned.......

as a rule....

they had always dined together,
 "en famille"...
but these days they were running in so many scattered directions...
they hardly seemed to see one another anymore....
and time wasn't standing still at all.....
the leaves were turning colors utterly quickly...
there was a mild chill in the air....
and soon winter would be upon them...
just like that....
and those dog days of summer would be but a remote memory...

so how could she impress upon them the ABSOLUTE NECESSITY of being with family ?
clearly....
no matter how many ways she'd expressed it.....
it had somehow NOT RESONATED with any of them....
so they would continue to aspire to those lofty, yet reachable goals....
moving about with great speed, aptitude, and stealth....
and they wouldn't really notice the seasons rolling by....
for they were swept away on their own journeys....
and so it went.....

i got to thinking about political differences...

and about where they actually stem from.....
and about the theological differences that pervade the air spaces all over this world right now...
and i got to thinking of my family before me, perishing at the hands of the Nazis....
and about my neighbors who perished at the hands of Islamic bombers....
and then i got to thinking about the shabbos candles, and the sanctity and equity of a Jewish home....
and then i realized that ALL OF THIS THINKING had made me very hungry !!!
and that even in the midst of political and ethical and theological unrest....
A GIRLS GOTTA EAT !!!

behind the old, broken down brownstone.....

amid the craziness and dizziness of midtown......
there existed an 'organic garden'......
gleaming in the OCTOBER sunlight.....
filled with tomatoes and BANANAS !!!
yes !!!
i said BANANAS !!!
forget the fact that there was NO banana tree.....
do bananas even GROW ON TREES ???
or the fact that Manhattan was hardly 'BANANA FRIENDLY"......lol....
it was there !!!
I SAW IT !!!
unfortunately, as per usual, nobody was there to corroborate my story !!
SHOCKER !!!
so i had to ACCEPT the facts....
sometimes in life, we see things that others simply CANNOT SEE......;
as a result of this,
we MAY seem somewhat 'KOOKY' and "ARTISTIC"...
when in actuality,
we are just REPORTING the FACTS as they happen in REAL TIME !!!
which begs the question......
"IF A TREE FALLS IN THE WOODS......
AND NO ONE HEARS IT......
DOES IT MAKE A SOUND ??"
isn't that the question ?
i cant think of a BETTER question !!
the answer, obviously, is 'YES'......
so i stand firmly and affirmatively by my
 BANANA STORY !!!
the fact that a penguin with green, felt slippers
was hanging from the roof of the brownstone......
well....
I'll save that for tomorrow !!!
i am your
 "GODDESS XREBBETZIN".....

as far as anyone was concerned.....

she ALWAYS came out on top !!
why tell them more than they needed to know ??
after all......
bravado was being served on the menu in the dining hall of IDIOTS !!!
and there were condiments to add a bit of
FAT and SUGAR
 to all of the illusionary entrees....
so ......
WHY GIVE  THEM SUPERFLUOUS AND ARDUOUS INFORMATION
WHICH THEY CLEARLY
 hadn't asked for ????
further.......
let them believe that the 'BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE' had everything !!
why should their fantasy be besmirched by practicality and supposition ???
further....
the tablecloths were checkered and soiled, providing a hint of compromise....
in order that the MASSES
FEEL 'at home'....
are you really GETTING ALL OF THIS ????

why are WE, as JEWS, uncomfortable with 'pumpkins' ??

Search Amazon.com for pumpkin recipesdo you suppose that the Torah refers to 'pumpkins' as a 'forbidden fruit' ?
i think not......
I'm pretty sure that the 'apple' takes first position on that one!
curious thing about the apple.....
it goes from being 'forbidden'
to being the symbol of 'sweetness and newness' on the high holidays.....
(just saying.....)
during the 40 year exile in the desert,
we were, apparently,
given 'manna' from the heavens....
for sustenance....
so the story goes that the manna tasted like 'anything you wanted it to taste like'....
so we imagine 'CHALLAH FRENCH TOAST, wine, steak.....'.....
but never in all of the imaginings does the word PUMPKIN appear.....
do you suppose that pumpkins existed in those days ??
did they have pumpkin pies made of MATZOH MEAL from the MATZOH that they were forced
to CARRY ON THEIR BACKS ???!!
confusing and potentially,
LIFE ALTERING mini-factoids......
blah......blahhhhhhh

and the rain continued.....

to pour its lofty countenance down upon the boy's head and face and shoes.....
he had forgotten the umbrella that his mom had,
 in a moment of supremely, motherly judgment,
prepared by the door,
 so as not to be forgotten by her
 sometimes 'scatter brained' son......
lo and behold !
he had forgotten it anyway !!
even though it had fallen when he had opened the door this morning....
it had actually hit their small, white dog on the head !!!
the poor doggy had yelped in shock !!!
and STILL.......
HE HAD FORGOTTEN IT !!!
so here he was.....
outside...
in a rain storm......
with nothing to protect him from the elements......
and he was wearing his new shoes, to boot !
damn !!
damn !!
they were suede.....
mom had also warned him about the shoes,,,,
"DON'T WEAR THEM IN THE RAIN !!"
okay....
he had to think....
how would he get home and dried off without her knowing ???
she would surely be angry at his lapse in decorum and sensibility...
thinking......thinking.....
there was a honk !
he turned around to find mom in the Hummer, patiently waiting for him !!
a look of
"PURE LOVE"
 on her face......

she'd been 'GOOGLE IZED' !!!

GOOGLE had swallowed her up.....
in a massive ,marketing machine of words and ads and bios and dossiers !!!
and she couldn't escape its GINORMOUS, 'techy' clutches !!!
and they were, indeed,
 serving caviar and tropical punch to the masses !!!!
and....
and......
there were trumpets !!!
and pied pipers !!!
and her name appeared EVERYWHERE !!
and privacy was a concept left in the wayyyyy past !!!
and portals of conspicuous magnitude were appearing out of nowhere !!!
and a boat had capsized in the Caspian Sea !!
leaving A BOATLOAD of tourists to drown as it plummeted to earth....
thankfully, a team of WHITE KNIGHTS in chinchilla had shown up on the scene !!!
and dragged the survivors to land....
where helicopters were waiting to fly them home !!!
there were banners and balloons and men on stilts !!
they arrived in Bentleys.....
ALL THIS BECAUSE OF GOOGLE's insatiable appetite !!!

oh my goodness !!!!

it was driving them crazy !!!
it was as if a curtain, literally, had been pulled down over everybody's eyes !!
and their noses too !!!
couldn't they smell the halal stands ????
they preached tolerance and understanding and democracy....
while their kids and dogs and nannys were blown to smithereens by bombers in burkas !!!
WHAT ????
to make matters worse....
there was a kind of ISLAM GRIDLOCK !!!
NOBODY COULD MOVE ON EITHER SIDE OF THE ISSUE !!
and the density of the quantifiably, toxic, traffic jam was thick as THIEVES.....
so that , in a way, the women on the other side
SEEMED MOMENTARILY LUCKY...
BEING ENCASED AND ENSHROUDED IN CHEAP FABRIC AND 'BURK ISH' drapery....
as they had no real contact with the 'thieving airways' and pungent odors....
and so it went....

EVERYTHING was going wrong !!!

it was as if the earth had 'quaked' into a tizzy of schizophrenia,
and had evidently left its own body entirely !!!
leaving behind, just fragments of 'hollow' globe ness.....
a deflated orb of happenstance and faux pas...
i'm telling you!!
and to make matters worse, she couldn't find her favorite shoes !!!
woe is me !!
and further....
the hair iron had burnt itself out....
the cable box was emitting SPARKS !!
and torrential rain had left the hummer filthy and hopeless....
to compound this, the wiper fluid had run out !!!
for gods sake!!!
isnt this what HUSBANDS had been there for , after all ???
LOLOLOL
oyyyyy veyyyyyyyy

so they went to the 'cheesecake factory'...

because, after all, they still had to eat !
and they ordered their usual salads, etc....
and that crazy wind was still blowing outside...
and they knew, full well, that this was interim stuff...
that they had to wait out the storm...
and that on the other end...
a rainbow would appear....
and colour and fragrance would surely be restored....
virtue sat on a picnic blanket....
eating curds and whey....
while the dust settled, mightily,
on the other side of daylight....
and on and on....