Thursday, May 12, 2016

Relief....and yet....

The woman walked toward the doorway of the now-frequented building...

stopped to "Purell" her hands....

(Somewhere in the recesses of her mind,
she realized that she had NEVER actually done the "Hand-Scouring" thing before....)

that, if she were being honest, she was somewhat offended when she saw others doing it...

It was as if they were trying to WASH the "Elderly" entirely from their beings...
like an infectious disease or something...

In any case, as the door opened,
she was quite stunningly taken aback by the MAGNIFICENT, sunlit day outside....

She realized almost instantaneously, that it was LESS about the GLORIOUS DAY....

and really ONLY about the visit to her MOTHER  ...

And in that moment, the TRUTH came spilling in with the rays of sunlight....

as if it were boiling tea being poured from a teapot....

TRUTH TEA...

Here's the thing:

It could have been TORRENTIALLY RAINING outside,

and she STILL would have experienced that VERY SAME feeling.....


The feeling was.....
to put it simply,

RELIEF....

(although what she was experiencing was FAR from "simple"....)

What was the relief about ?


Herein lies the REASON for which I'm compelled to tell you this story....


The woman actually DREADED going to see her mother...

SHE DREADED IT....

Why?

It was NOT because she didn't LOVE her mother......

AU CONTRAIRE...

It was because she LOVED HER MOTHER SO MUCH....

that the pain and bewilderment of the Alzheimer's Disease ....

the UNILATERAL PIRACY of her REAL MOTHER'S BODY by this villainous, dark scoundrel....

was SO DEBILITATING to her....

that she had boldly donned a cloak of INDIFFERENCE ...
an indifference SO CONVINCING, that even SHE herself was fooled by it....

She missed her mother SO MUCH....

The talks...the laughter....the arguments.....

This shell of a woman who could barely carry on a rational conversation ...

this could NOT really be her mom....

But the sad reality was....

THIS is who was left in her MOM's place....

an old, confused, slow woman....

who had sparkling moments of being her sassy and energetic self....

But those moments came less and less frequently now.....

Having said all of that....

being a committed daughter, a good Jewish girl, and really CARING.....

she came regularly and sat with her SHELL of a Mom...

holding her hands..... showing her pictures from her phone..... kissing her head...

And there, in the now-glaring sunlight of TRUTH....
she realized in VIVID COLOR,
that the reason for which  she was absolutely TERRIFIED to come here....

was the PARALYZING FEAR that HER OWN MOTHER WOULD NOT RECOGNIZE HER......

It hadn't happened yet....

But one day soon it would, to be sure....

And THIS fact of life ..... this inevitable "TURNING of the corner".....
CUT HER SO DEEPLY....
both literally and figuratively...
 that she had, somewhere along the way, unknowingly feigned "INDIFFERENCE"....
just in order to be able to survive the pain....
in order not to bleed to death....

Hence....

the GARGANTUAN  FEELING OF RELIEF every time that her
LOVELY MOTHER RECOGNIZED HER
came upon her swiftly and absolutely....
allowing her to feel, somehow, MOMENTARILY COMPLETE....

And so it went.....