Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Now THIS is funny.....

So....
 I went to visit my mom today in Queens....
And you basically need to go through Manhattan from Jersey in order to get there...
On the way back, I figured I'd put the navigation system on and see if there's
some "better way" to get from Queens back to Jersey...
OK?
Copy that ?
**note that I was in a bit of a hurry, as I needed to pick Brendan up from school...
So....
The thing sends me ALL the way clear to "Yenem's Velt" (Yiddish for the "other world")
and I'm making  my "laborious" way down through the Bronx
when I hit the WHITESTONE BRIDGE!!!
WHY ON EARTH I was sent SO far North is totally beyond me.....
Nonetheless....
This was where I was led......
So....
lo and behold.....
there was a TOLL at the end of this bridge...
OK.....
Big deal, right ?
But,my friends.......
 it turns out that I'd spent EVERY cent I had in CASH at the gas station in Queens...
(not realizing that I had spent my last dime!)
OK...
not so  bad, right ?
WRONG!!!
I decided,
(filibustering),
that Id simply SNEAK through the EZPASS Lane this one, little time....
OK...OK....
so I dont have EZPASS.....
What could the harm be ?
Right ???
WRONG AGAIN, MIDAS !!!
The BIG, IRON Pole came swooping down, blocking me from driving through.....
Now....
I was kinda F**Ked....
cause a BIG COP was coming toward me......
and I had NO CASH.....
and NO EZPASS  !!!!
I said to myself,
"Gotesman Schneier, youve dealt with FAR worse things !   You can handle this !"
So...I roll down the window, and the cop says,
"Wheres your EZPASS?"
and I go,
"Uhhh... I dont have one...uhhhh...the NAVIGATION told me to come this way!"
and he says,
"Lemme get this straight, Lady...
The Navigation System told you to GET IN THE EZPASS LANE  ??!!
 Really ?"
and I go....
"Well, Sir....Do YOU have a MOTHER?"
and he goes,
"WHAT??!  Everybody has a mother .....SO??"
and I go,
"Well, its NOT my fault that I live in Jersey and needed to come see her in Queens...
and got stuck on the WHITESTONE BRIDGE!!"
Understand, friends, in my mind, THIS MADE SENSE !
But I havent gotten to the funny part yet....
So he goes,
"Ok,,,Ok,,,just gimme the 6 bucks and you can go"
and I go,
"Well, Sir, I wasnt prepared for the Toll...so...I dont have it!"
and he goes,
"You dont have an EZPASS....and you dont have money for the toll....
Why do you think that this is ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR?"
and then he goes,
"OK...at least, show me your registration.."
and I muddle and fuddle around in the glove compartment and realize that I left it in my
WINTER HANDBAG at home !!
and I go,
"uhhh...I can't find it.....and YOU ARE BEING SO MEAN!"
"I have a LIFE...."
and he goes, "Gimme your licence.."
and I go,
"Are you KIDDING ME?"
and he goes.
"Gimme your licence and Go wait by the FIFTH ORANGE CONE..."
and I, attitude in tact, drive to the fifth cone,
but it's really SCARY there...
cause cars are sweeping by so fast,,,,
so I drive a bit further (a quarter of a mile, or so!)
to the cones that form an indentation....
And people are going "WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING??"
And wayyyy back yonder, (by the toll),
I see the cop in my rear view mirror WALKING toward me...
And thats when I realize that I had driven REALLY REALLY FAR from the toll !!!!
And he looks SO pissed...
And hes carrying all his equipment for ticket writing, etc..
and hes trying not to get hit by all the cars speeding by....
and then he motions to me to BACK UP....
So....
I have to back ALL the way to him ...
And it's RIDICULOUS and HUMILIATING!!
and Hundreds of people are watching and honking and yelling !!
And when I get there, he goes,
"Lemme ask you something, Lady....
Does it make sense to you to drive a MILE away from me,
when I told you to go to the FIFTH CONE??"
"Do you expect me to WALK ALL that way ??"
and I go,
"I was wondering why you did that, but HEY....Whatever !"
(attitude STILL totally in tact!)....LOL
He gave me the licence back, and he did NOT give me a ticket !!
True story.....
(I guess you had to 've been there !)